satire
Politicians provide us with all of the comedy gold. We're only mere curators.
In the Running for a New Trade Deal
by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer There is a tradition in Canadian politics that when a Finance Minister introduces a budget, he buys a new pair of shoes. Nobody knows why. Are the old bits of footwear gifted to a homeless person to regift to their stomach because that is all the help they can expect from the government? Is it as a sop to the shoe industry because that is all the help they can expect from the government? Are Finance Ministers just tougher on footwear than the general population?
By Ira Nayman8 years ago in The Swamp
The Invisible Man Leaves a Trail
By FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer The Vice President is normally the invisible man of government. Seriously: a Vice President could walk into an open bank vault and walk away with fistfuls of cash, and nobody would be the wiser. (Watching fistfuls of cash dance out of a bank vault in midair is well documented as having no educational value.) A Vice President could be reading this over your shoulder at this very moment; don’t look back suddenly for, like many woodland creatures, Vice Presidents startle easi—oh. Well. We tried to warn you. You may have to replace that carpet—better consult a political soap suds specialist.
By Ira Nayman8 years ago in The Swamp
And Pretty Soon All of Washburningdington Is Blind... Drunk... On Power
by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer Both Houses of Congress passed a resolution (less than a bill, more than a strawberry bacon cheeseburger parfait) grandiosely named “A Resolution to Force the President Against His Will to Acknowledge That Racist Organizations Such as The Kook Klux Klan, Neo-Nasties and Other White Supremacists Who Go Under the Banner of the ‘Alte Kocker Right’ Are Inherently Violent, And Are Engaging in Terrorism When They Are Violent, And Should, Therefore, Be Condemned in the Strongest Possible Terms for Such Violence.” Don’t be put off by the title, though; the resolution, in its entirety, reads: “Racism is bad.”
By Ira Nayman8 years ago in The Swamp
An Eye for an Aye
Wearing a black eyepatch that made him look like a pirate turtle (“Prepare to be boarded...in five or six hours!”), Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich watched as a bill to spend $800 billion to rebuild Texas after the devastation of Hurricane Harvey and raise the nation’s debt ceiling for 15 minutes easily passed his house of Congress. His eyepatch twitched emotionally, although pundits were divided on what emotion was being expressed under it.
By Ira Nayman8 years ago in The Swamp
Bothers in Arms
by CORIANDER NEUMANEIMANAYMANEEMAMANN, Alternate Reality News Service Urban Issues Writer Miguel Santamaclausa had not intended to reenact an iconic moment of bravery in the middle of Beijing's Tianlomien Square on a side street in Padooka, North Illinois. Like the famed chicken, he just wanted to get to the other side, no questions asked. ("My motivation's none of your business, pal!") But, there he was, staring down the turret of an Abrahams tank as his ice cream slowly melted down his fingers.
By Ira Nayman9 years ago in The Swamp
Saving Private Ryanwetballoons (for a Court Martial)
by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War Writer Lieutenant Stewie “Generis” McTestosterone of the Fourth Beanie Baby Brigade had half of his face blown off in the aptly named Givemhellemanns Province of Afghanistan when a land mine disguised as an assault rifle blew up during a routine door to door roust and roast of locals. He might have been able to keep his eyebrows and three quarters of his nose if Private Melinda Ryanwetballoons had been by his side instead of pushing paper (on colleagues who worked exclusively on their PDAs) at regimental headquarters pending a VCLU lawsuit on his status.
By Ira Nayman9 years ago in The Swamp
I Beg Your Pardon! And, Me. Oh, Me, Too, Please. Pardon Me! Pardon Me! Pardon Me!
By HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer The Grey House was in emergency crisis (for the third time this afternoon) mode when allegations were made that the President was becoming more... Canadian.
By Ira Nayman9 years ago in The Swamp
Chaos President Has a Cunning Plan
by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer There is an old saying in the nation’s capital: when a President flaps his lips in Washburningdington, a dissident is jailed in China. Chaos President doesn’t understand the elegant mathematics underlying this phenomenon. Chaos President barely understands the concept of mathematics (part of the reason signing a business contract with him can be such an adventure). Chaos President just likes to see high winds topple governments to the ground—especially if he can make a buck out of it...
By Ira Nayman9 years ago in The Swamp
"Free at Last! Free at Last! Thank Gord Almighty Steve O'Bannonallhope is Free at Last!"
by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer President Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s Chief of Staff (in His Own Mind) Steve O’Bannonallhope is leaving/has left/will have been leaving (choose one) the Grey House. What awaits him after a year in politics is anybody’s gu — what? He has already announced that he will be returning to the alte cocker online publication Cucbreitdohboybart News that he led for so many years? So. Many. Years?
By Ira Nayman9 years ago in The Swamp
Dear Donald: You Clever Son of a Gun, You...
As a Communications graduate student, I have learned the ins and outs of Media, and how impressionable it can be on masses. Of the many lessons I've learned throughout my educational journey, one essential ideology has always stuck with me. It comes from researchers Max McCombs and Donald Shaw who conducted a study in 1968 to determine the salience of the media's influence on the public. From the foundation of the researcher's work, Bernard Cohen assisted in the development of 'agenda-setting theory,' which recognized that:
By Shaunna Nelson9 years ago in The Swamp
